Eight Healthy NewsWorks student reporters recently had a sit-down interview with Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, a former U.S. surgeon general, about loneliness. He said it is a big problem that can lead to health issues and make it harder to learn in school. He also discussed what people can do to deal with loneliness.
In this article, the last of three Q&As based on the interview, Dr. Murthy discusses the importance of engagement and being yourself. The answers have been shortened and lightly edited.
Question: What if you like spending time alone? Is that unhealthy?
Dr. Murthy: Time alone doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re lonely. In fact, all of us need some time alone. How much we need differs based on whether we’re an introvert or an extrovert and what’s going on in your life.
So, I’m an introvert, for example, and I do need some time on my own to reflect. But I also need time with other people. Whether or not you are lonely is about how you feel. It’s not always about how much time you’re spending with other people. What is happening to too many people in their lives is what used to be in-person time has become increasingly solitary time.
The kind of alone time that’s often most helpful for us is time when we can let the noise around us settle so we can truly think or reflect or just be.
Question: How do you know if you are truly part of a community?
Dr. Murthy: I don’t think that there’s an objective test that you can take in the sense of what may help people feel like they truly belong in a community.
Some people can be surrounded by people all the time like in school but still feel lonely, and others can just have a couple people around them and feel really connected. I think you’re part of a community when you feel like you truly belong there, when you feel invested in the other people and you feel like they are invested in you. When you know people, which means that you can show up as yourself, you don’t have to try to be who you think they want you to be.
Question: How does helping others combat loneliness?
Dr. Murthy: We often think, ‘if I’m lonely, I need somebody to help me.’ But it’s often when we help other people that helps us build bridges. It could be something formal, like volunteering with an organization in your community. It could also be something informal, like looking around your classroom to see where there is a need that’s unmet.
When we help other people, two extraordinarily powerful things happen. One is that we forge a connection with somebody else. The other is we reaffirm to ourselves that we have value to bring to the world.
I met a young man who realized a lot of kids were lonely in the school, and he started this lunchtime session where a group would get together and find a way to respectfully and kindly bring in kids struggling with loneliness. They wouldn’t go up to them and say, “Hey, you look like you’re lonely, why don’t you come join us?” No one’s going to say yes to that. But they would say, “Hey, a bunch of us are working on a poster for Spirit Week, and we need some help. Do you think you could come help us out?” That feels like a very different invitation, and an invitation people are more likely to say “yes” to.
Question: Do you have any tips for leading a more connected life?
Dr. Murthy: There are three things I recommend that people do in their lives to build a more connected life each day. Spend five minutes a day reaching out to someone you care about. Spend five minutes helping somebody. Spend five minutes in solitude.
Solitude means when you’re not with anyone else and you have put aside your phone, your computer, iPad, whatever device it may be. You give yourself five minutes to sit on your front porch and feel the breeze against your face or take a walk in your neighborhood around the block. Or five minutes sitting and meditating, praying, or listening to music that inspires you. Or reading something that lifts you up. Just five minutes for you connecting with something that makes you feel good without technology.
Five minutes of solitude, five minutes of service, five minutes of connecting with someone you care about. You do that consistently each day, and you can feel just how much more deeply connected you will feel.
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Healthy NewsWorks student reporters who interviewed Dr. Murthy are Benjamin and Juniper (Alexander Adaire Fit Fish), Yisliany (Yorkship Family Healthy Lion), and Amelia, Cassandra, Christian, Nelania, and Xzavier (Catholic Partnership Schools Healthy Courier). The interview was conducted at the Philadelphia law offices of Troutman, Pepper, Locke.
Explore more from our conversation with Dr. Vivek Murthy: Watch the student-led interview and read student reflections about loneliness, connection, and what they learned from Dr. Murthy.
